A little over one week until I start this. I am excited and nervous, but mainly determined. I've already been told by one person to not beat myself up if I don't finish the list, and that "nobody will care" if I end up with things undone. But someone will care: me. I cannot let myself fail this.
I have been thinking about what this project means to me, why I care at all, and New Years Eve everything became abundantly clear. Looking around my house at all of my things, looking for one thing to tell me I've succeeded in the last year, I realized that I have nothing to show for myself. Yes, I have a loving and supporting family and group of friends. Yes, I have a new relationship that so far is going just fine. Yes, I am comfortable and very rarely want for material goods. Yes, I am marginally happy. But through all of that, something is missing. This last year I started the process of looking for a house to buy, thinking that would fulfil me. The end of the year came and went and still no house, but I don't feel any worse about myself. I have a new car from the one I was driving last year, but still, no feelings of accomplishment. In all actuality, though I have done many things in the last year, I really have done nothing. Or I have nothing done, if you will.
So as these next next nine days pass, I will think of more things. And as this next year passes, I will succeed, I will embrace myself, I will do this. I cannot, will not, fail. For nobody else but me, I will complete this project.
Sew myself a change purse
Eat grits
Make butternut squash soup
Make my own pasta
See Trans-Siberian Orchestra Live (this may be cheating, I do this every year anyway)
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